Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’

– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery..
– Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
– Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon.
Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope<

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to
work its way through Congress
– Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he’s too old to go anywhere
– Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist’s diet: – If it tastes good spit it out.

Advertisements