Category: sarcasm



“What does a Rubber Band, a Broken Thing, to many Blue Hawaiian’s, and a Single Crutch, all have in Common?”
I’m now Glad you Asked!
But You, You may not be so Glad, before this tale of Sad Twisted Heartstring-Wrenching Tear-Drenching reaches its four or five gone gong show concussion conclusion, supporting no Unknown Comic’s paper bag anonymity, ripping and rending the tender veneer of civility from the once smiling now snarling caricature of a fellow Cougar of Stephenson 7th South as he swung and I jumped and twisted and landed with a loud pop as my left knee gave way and I started screaming!
He said “Get back up and stop screaming! I haven’t hit you yet!”
Turned out I had torn cartilage, and would have to have surgery. Only day open and soon was the day after I had a hot date scheduled, and she didn’t want to take my being on crutches as an excuse for not going over to Moscow.
I somehow managed to use one of the crutches to shift gears on my beat up Thing, and got to her place, and she offered to drive. Great! I could drink more!
About half way there something went thunk, then all the hamsters and gerbils in the transmission started screaming and tearing chunks out of the floor boards.
Forgot to tell her not to touch the 4 wheel drive stick as it was a might touchy. Touche…
Luckily we got picked up by a trucker, I sat next to him to keep him away from her. Big mistake, guess he liked guys, so tried to keep myself from becoming one of his hand fulls.
Some how I only ended up with one crutch by the time we hit the dance hall.
But hey! I only needed one, the other was kept full with Blue Hawaiian’s.
Then it was time to head back.
She left me.
One crutch.
Facing a ten mile trudge.
In the 1st mile I was siill fairly inebriated, so wasn’t hurting much yet.
Then I slowly became aware that I could see things in front of me better, like I was emitting light from my neck down! Night Vision Cool!
But how was I generating the red and blue flickering bits?
Then I tripped and fell, and slowly focused on a U of Idaho campus cruiser that must have been behind me for a couple of blocks, sigh, so much for Night Vision, swiftly changing to visions of my sugar plums dancing in a Jail cell trying to avoid wayward truckers.
I struggled to a sitting position, found it was really hard to stand up for some reason. Must have been some combination of the booze, one crutch, a bad knee, oh, lets not forget the now rolling Palouse invading the Moscow flatlands, causing me to keep falling back onto my hands face and bum knee.
Thoughts of getting arrested and not having to continue to embed random gravel bits into my carcass started to have a bit more appeal.
So I clutched my crutch, dragged and crawled towards the cops, for what seemed like forever. Took me about 2 blocks to realize that they were backing up for some reason, and thats why I hadn’t reached their back seat of happiness and security of no interior door handles. Those darned door handles always bother my knees in back seats of cars anyway, so at least my knee would be better off soon.
All I needed was for them to stop backing up! So I started waving my crutch, hopping on one leg, and shouting for them to stop and be more like Calgon and take me away from all this!
Maybe I scared them?
They turned off the flashers, and started speeding towards me! Yah! it worked!
They were coming right at me my eyes finally flogged my brain, so I bent my one good knee, planted my crutch, and tried to pole vault it against the curbing in an attempt to fling myself out of their way!
Olympians cheered, Judges raised score cards of 10’s across the board, as in my mind I felt myself soaring like a bird!
Out of the corner of my eyes I saw the two cop cars, no one, yes two, my eyes couldn’t stay focused I was moving so fast,turn a corner about 10 feet from me and left me in a spray of more loose Palouse gravel, grovelling in the gutter realizing that the bird I most resembled at the moment could best be described in the immortal words of your fellow Radio legend KRPW’s Less Nessman “Turkeys are hitting the ground like bags of wet cement!” Oh what I would pay for a copy of their dash board camera footage now.
Well thats the Highlights, or should I say Low Lites of the night.
I banged on most of the doors down Fraternity row, until I found the one person that I knew.
Found out that Sleepy Vandals are not big fans of Drunken Cougars.
Slept it off.
Got a ride back to Pullman.
Car was towed before I got back to it, but lets keep that part for another contest story.
Morale of the story, Don’t Shoot a Rubber band at anyone wearing just a towel, it might go to your Knee, and Break your Car and your Heart.


The Government can’t be expected to fix anything, if they are unwilling to fix what is wrong with the system that they have created to perpetuate the system that they wanted.

Instead of a choice of the Lesser of Two Evils, why can’t we Vote for
None of the Above.

Who else do you know that can get paid for doing nothing?,

get paid overtime for doing nothing?,

Not keeping any promises that they spread like fertilizer?

Won’t lose their pay unless they commit treason no matter how long they might be in jail for any other infractions?

Why are there Political Parties in the first place? Party On! Parties are not for getting any work done except Partying,

and for keeping out anyone who is not a Party Member from ever having an equal chance

What ever happened to standing on your own two feet, walking proudly, up holding your own merits, and rolling up your sleeves and getting a job done, one step at a time.

If any given member of a Party is not able to stand on its own, then all we really are left with is a chain composed of nothing but Weakest Links.

Cut the chains that bind them together and you have nothing but a lot of dead weights.

Right now we have 2 chains that can not pull together, that can not be trusted to work alone.

To blame one man for the lack inherent in the chains that he can not wield, that he has no power over to command, is beyond asinine.

Until each link is inspected, the rotten apples and diseased cut and separated from destroying those around them, flaws identified and fixed, you can not expect either chain to do a job, let alone a job that requires cooperation, rather than inherent corruption.

When you break it all down, and it should be broken down and inspected microscopically, the system is no longer a functional whole.

Each link is more focused on itself than the job it was elected to do.

More time, money and effort is expended by “our elected” government to become elected, and to become re elected than they spend actually doing a job.

Solution to this portion of the problem is simple.

No Reelection.
They limit the terms of the President don’t they?
Why not limits on those that supposedly do the work.

Something good might get done, so hey, break out the Filibuster! Compliance a problem, just push back the timing of the implementation and Pull its teeth by cutting funding. Send it to Committee!

Committees, Special Committees, Joint Committees, but what Commitment is actually Committed to commencing to get anything done, other than to Craft Bills, amend Riders, water down legislation to the point of evaporation of intentions, compromise by combinations that will scratch my back if I’ll support funding for projects that will make you look good to your constituents, and so on.

Take one thing at a time, address one issue at a time, let it stand on its own merits.

Oh, I forgot we can’t do that, it goes against the abilities of those weak links who are only able to stand under a party umbrella, hidden from the Rain of Reality. Platforms are built and constructed of piecemeal truths and flat out cardboard lies.

Instead of a choice of the Lesser of Two Evils, why can’t we Vote for
None of the Above.
When the Carrot and the Stick are held in the same hand the system is broken.

When there is no incentive to fix something it will not get fixed.

We are governed by those that are not held accountable in any meaningful way.

There is currently no way to make them be accountable.

The only Accountability they Count is in their Bank Accounts.

Off Shore and Swiss Bank Accounts, like the Cheese, leaves too many holes for them to hide their treasures, and there are no Cats but Fat Cats.

Even Mice once Belled the Cats.

So much for the Best Laid Plans.

We are the Mice, no longer Men.

Perhaps we the Greater of Evils, for “We the People” have long ago given up and allowed our Nation to be run not “For the People” nor “By the People”, and are now left only looking through the Peephole, locked out and away from any recourse but to
Weep for the People, we have sold our souls to the Company Store as they “Buy the People”.

Think about it PEOPLE!

Abraham Lincoln, in his Gettysburg Address, dared to recognize a fundamental truth:
“We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom; and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

Think about it HARDER!

Even in his time, he recognized the need to work together.

Figure it out yet?>

Someone shot him, and he perished from this earth.

Lets go back a little farther with historic figures that cut wood, leave behind a rail splitter, and take up the cherry of a man, who couldn’t tell a lie.

By George! I think you know who I am referring to! It was a time when Hemp could be used in a Neck Tie Party, a Neck Stretcher, no Refer puns for the Intendants, just Hanging Participles, that should be left Dangling in the wind till they like Pheasants of the rich, rot through at the neck and fall, ready for the eating.

George chopped closer the Truth of the matter when he refused to become another King in the line of Georges, and instead gave up being President for Life.

He believed in the defense of the Constitution by stating his belief that the system of checks and balances and separation of powers within it are important means of preventing a single person or group from seizing control of the country, and advises the American people that if they believe it is necessary to modify the powers granted to the government through the Constitution it should be done through constitutional amendments instead of through force.

We do not have a single person or group that have seized control of our country, but two groups or parties, and they have effectively taken over and ruled out anyone else from getting a place on the dance card.

Check how you can get put on a ballot as something not an Elephant hiding in the peanut butter, or an Ass to Pin on the Tail. It isn’t easy, and it is costly.
And all those hoops and hooplah were created by the 2 party system.

Break the Parties, or never get into the Ball.

No Fairy Godmothers for us Cinderella’s, just the Mice making the gowns and Pumpkins to be pulled and filled, Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, have their Cake and Eat it Too,
Its their Government Through and Threw.

What are we mice and shrews to do?


  • RE: entry to Worst Date contest, lots of problems and out of office‏

11:46 AM
To Loren Foster
From: Talbot, Phoebe (ptalbot@fisherradio.com)
Sent: Mon 11/05/12 11:46 AM
To: Loren Foster (shadolrds@live.com)
Out of Office AutoReply: belated and belateder attempt at entry into Worst Date contest

Loren –

 

I apologize for the numerous “Out of Office” responses you received, but I am more than happy to help with your questions.

We have already drawn our winner for Kent & Alan’s Date Night giveaway, but thank you for entering and please continue to check STAR 101.5 for more contest opportunities.

Please let me know if you have any other questions, thanks!

Phoebe Talbot – Promotions Assistant

STAR 101.5, KOMO Newsradio, Talk Radio 570 KVI

( 206.404.3057 | 7 Fax 206.404.3628

140 4th Ave N # 340 Seattle, WA 98109

ptalbot@fisherradio.com

From: Loren Foster [mailto:shadolrds@live.com] Sent: Monday, November 05, 2012 12:34 AM To: Talbot, Phoebe; Loren Foster Subject: entry to Worst Date contest, lots of problems and out of office

 

Greetings and Salutations Phoebe Talbot!

You have just won the 3rd place in the Office AutoReply Bounce

As you can see by the trail below, I am not a lucky fellow.

But I can Bellow Its just that I am cowardly Yellow.

And take lots of prescription drugs to stay Mellow.

At some point I will give up trying to get the entry in. Had internet connection problems.

Then it would not accept my log in on the site.

Then I could not get the program to allow me to see a contact email.

Then all the contactee’s are playing keep away from the office.

I got to the Facebook page for Star and posted there also, in a feeble attempt to get this of my chest and out of my hair. And yes, my chest has almost as much hair on it as my head, but that is not saying much as most of the thatch up there is heading south and taking up residence on my back.

Ok, now that I have sufficiently insulted my self, and probably gotten you to disregard anything that might have been fruitful and left me Blue in the Face, or at least the tongue in the cheek after way too many Hawaiian Blue punches un pulled.  Allusion to the title below. Fore or Five Shadowing….

·  Out of Office AutoReply: worst date entry‏

12:08 AM

To Loren Foster

From: Hutyler, Courtney (chutyler@fisherradio.com)
Sent: Mon 11/05/12 12:08 AM
To: Loren Foster (shadolrds@live.com)

 

Thanks for your message! I am out of the office for remainder of the week and next Monday and Tuesday and will be returning on Wednesday, November 7th.
If you need immediate assistance, please contact Suzanne Fleitz at sfleitz@fisherradio.com/206-404-3068.

·  Out of Office AutoReply: belated and belateder attempt at entry into Worst Date contest‏

 

12:17 AM

To Loren Foster

From: Fleitz, Suzanne (sfleitz@fisherradio.com)
Sent: Mon 11/05/12 12:17 AM
To: Loren Foster (shadolrds@live.com)

Thanks for your message! I’m out of the office for the remainder of the day, returning Tuesday morning, 11/6. If you need immediate assistance, please contact Phoebe Talbot at 206.404.3057/ptalbot@fisherradio.com. If this is urgent, I can be reached on my cell phone at 805.312.1581. Otherwise, I’ll return your message on Tuesday morning. Thanks!

Anyway, let the story commence:

 

“What does a Rubber Band, a Broken Thing, to many Blue Hawaiian’s, and a Single Crutch, all have in Common?”
I’m now Glad you Asked!
But You, You may not be so Glad, before this tale of Sad Twisted Heartstring-Wrenching Tear-Drenching reaches its four or five gone gong show concussion conclusion, supporting no Unknown Comic’s paper bag anonymity, ripping and rending the tender veneer of civility from the once smiling now snarling caricature of a fellow Cougar of Stephenson 7th South as he swung and I jumped and twisted and landed with a loud pop as my left knee gave way and I started screaming!
He said “Get back up and stop screaming! I haven’t hit you yet!”

Turned out I had torn cartilage, and would have to have surgery. Only day open and soon was the day after I had a hot date scheduled, and she didn’t want to take my being on crutches as an excuse for not going over to Moscow.
I somehow managed to use one of the crutches to shift gears on my beat up Thing, and got to her place, and she offered to drive. Great! I could drink more!
About half way there something went thunk, then all the hamsters and gerbils in the transmission started screaming and tearing chunks out of the floor boards.
Forgot to tell her not to touch the 4 wheel drive stick as it was a might touchy. Touche…
Luckily we got picked up by a trucker, I sat next to him to keep him away from her. Big mistake, guess he liked guys, so tried to keep myself from becoming one of his hand fulls.
Some how I only ended up with one crutch by the time we hit the dance hall.
But hey! I only needed one, the other was kept full with Blue Hawaiian’s.
Then it was time to head back.
She left me.
One crutch.
A seven mile trudge.
Police cars going in reverse to avoid my hobble.
Car was towed before I got back to it.
Morale of the story, Don’t Shoot a Rubber band at anyone wearing just a towel, it might go to your Knee, and Break your Car and your Heart.


I get worried easy these days, overly paranoid, not that i know what a single noid is, well maybe its a noid, not the noid.

Had to run down to Greenlake to eat with Maria on her break.  She works from 9am to 7pm today at the Elements Massage.

Heard a song on the radio on the way there by Matchbox 20 and it made me think of myself being unable to sleep last nite, trying to be quite and let Maria sleep

 

 

All day Staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night Hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

I’m feeling like I’m headed for a Breakdown

I don’t know why

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know, right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Me Talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train      [MAKE it BUS and yeah}

I know

I know they’ve all been talking ’bout me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong

With me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow

I’ve lost my mind

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

I been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they’ll come to get me

Yeah, they’re taking me away

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy I’m just a little impaired

I know, right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Hey, how I used to be

How I used to be, yeah

Well I’m just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

Life runs in strange and crazy ways.

Im just strange and crazy, cant run for crap knee, maybe I should of not gone dancing on it so soon after the surgery back in college?

What!

The pain medication from the surgery earlier in the day had not even begun to wear off so why not DANCE!


Me I was never good with “Speechless”, although I was often Tongue tied,

it happens too often when you can flip your darn tongue upside down,

and Flabber Gasted, I am much more Flabber these days than Gasted.

 

Wish I understood women better.

Either I am just too damn tall to stand under them, or its all just over my head.

Either way, I just wish it was easier for them to bring me to heel.

Some can maky you feel like a Heel, with just a glance.

Some will Lance your Heart, and it will never Heal.

 

When you juggle Bannana’s and Orange’s

and its All up in the Air Yo

u can make a Fair Fruit Salad

But its a Toss UP If you add in a Pear

But be ready to Catch It I would to thee Appeal!

Or it will be all Butt End UP Lacking a peel

Except for Dinner Guests Ringing of Laughter a Peal.

Death not of a Salesman


An Obituary printed in the London Times…..Absolutely Brilliant!!!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
– Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
– Why the early bird gets the worm;
– Life isn’t always fair;
– and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I’m A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

YOU GOTTA LOVE GARFIELD ‘S EXPLANATION — TOO CUTE & ALSO TOO TRUE!!!



A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. 
~~~
Well, there’s a very simple answer.
 
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
 
~~~
We just didn’t know we were getting low.
 
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
 
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
 
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal 
Florida
~~~
Coastal 
Louisiana 
~~~ 
Coastal Alabama 
~~~~ 
Coastal Mississippi 
~~~~
Coastal 
Texas 
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
 
And
Texas
~~~
Our 
dipsticks are located in DC
~~~
Any Questions?

NO? Didn’t think So.


Loss


10 years ago the USA hadSteve Jobs, Bob Hope andJohnny Cash ….

Now they have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash


The Model T Ford

The year is 1910 one hundred and two years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:

**************************************************************************************************************

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !

The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year,
a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about
$5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.

Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press
AND the government as ‘substandard.’

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada was only 30!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.

There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write and only 6 percent of all Americans had
graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.

Back then pharmacists said, ‘Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health’

( Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE
U. S. A. !

I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself.
From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD — all in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.


These are a set of questions and answers that actually appeared on an Australian tourism website. It’s nice to see a government agency that doesn’t take itself too seriously.

Note that the nationality of the person asking the question is indicated in parentheses.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK) 
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. 

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) 
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles. Take lots of water. 

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) 
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) 
A: A-fri-ca is the big, triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific, which does not…
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in King’s Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA) 
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here, and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) 
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…  
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys’ Choir plays every Tuesday night in King’s Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) 
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney, and is milk available all year round? (Germany) 
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) 
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) 
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) 
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) 
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) 
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.