“What does a Rubber Band, a Broken Thing, to many Blue Hawaiian’s, and a Single Crutch, all have in Common?”
I’m now Glad you Asked!
But You, You may not be so Glad, before this tale of Sad Twisted Heartstring-Wrenching Tear-Drenching reaches its four or five gone gong show concussion conclusion, supporting no Unknown Comic’s paper bag anonymity, ripping and rending the tender veneer of civility from the once smiling now snarling caricature of a fellow Cougar of Stephenson 7th South as he swung and I jumped and twisted and landed with a loud pop as my left knee gave way and I started screaming!
He said “Get back up and stop screaming! I haven’t hit you yet!”
Turned out I had torn cartilage, and would have to have surgery. Only day open and soon was the day after I had a hot date scheduled, and she didn’t want to take my being on crutches as an excuse for not going over to Moscow.
I somehow managed to use one of the crutches to shift gears on my beat up Thing, and got to her place, and she offered to drive. Great! I could drink more!
About half way there something went thunk, then all the hamsters and gerbils in the transmission started screaming and tearing chunks out of the floor boards.
Forgot to tell her not to touch the 4 wheel drive stick as it was a might touchy. Touche…
Luckily we got picked up by a trucker, I sat next to him to keep him away from her. Big mistake, guess he liked guys, so tried to keep myself from becoming one of his hand fulls.
Some how I only ended up with one crutch by the time we hit the dance hall.
But hey! I only needed one, the other was kept full with Blue Hawaiian’s.
Then it was time to head back.
She left me.
One crutch.
Facing a ten mile trudge.
In the 1st mile I was siill fairly inebriated, so wasn’t hurting much yet.
Then I slowly became aware that I could see things in front of me better, like I was emitting light from my neck down! Night Vision Cool!
But how was I generating the red and blue flickering bits?
Then I tripped and fell, and slowly focused on a U of Idaho campus cruiser that must have been behind me for a couple of blocks, sigh, so much for Night Vision, swiftly changing to visions of my sugar plums dancing in a Jail cell trying to avoid wayward truckers.
I struggled to a sitting position, found it was really hard to stand up for some reason. Must have been some combination of the booze, one crutch, a bad knee, oh, lets not forget the now rolling Palouse invading the Moscow flatlands, causing me to keep falling back onto my hands face and bum knee.
Thoughts of getting arrested and not having to continue to embed random gravel bits into my carcass started to have a bit more appeal.
So I clutched my crutch, dragged and crawled towards the cops, for what seemed like forever. Took me about 2 blocks to realize that they were backing up for some reason, and thats why I hadn’t reached their back seat of happiness and security of no interior door handles. Those darned door handles always bother my knees in back seats of cars anyway, so at least my knee would be better off soon.
All I needed was for them to stop backing up! So I started waving my crutch, hopping on one leg, and shouting for them to stop and be more like Calgon and take me away from all this!
Maybe I scared them?
They turned off the flashers, and started speeding towards me! Yah! it worked!
They were coming right at me my eyes finally flogged my brain, so I bent my one good knee, planted my crutch, and tried to pole vault it against the curbing in an attempt to fling myself out of their way!
Olympians cheered, Judges raised score cards of 10’s across the board, as in my mind I felt myself soaring like a bird!
Out of the corner of my eyes I saw the two cop cars, no one, yes two, my eyes couldn’t stay focused I was moving so fast,turn a corner about 10 feet from me and left me in a spray of more loose Palouse gravel, grovelling in the gutter realizing that the bird I most resembled at the moment could best be described in the immortal words of your fellow Radio legend KRPW’s Less Nessman “Turkeys are hitting the ground like bags of wet cement!” Oh what I would pay for a copy of their dash board camera footage now.
Well thats the Highlights, or should I say Low Lites of the night.
I banged on most of the doors down Fraternity row, until I found the one person that I knew.
Found out that Sleepy Vandals are not big fans of Drunken Cougars.
Slept it off.
Got a ride back to Pullman.
Car was towed before I got back to it, but lets keep that part for another contest story.
Morale of the story, Don’t Shoot a Rubber band at anyone wearing just a towel, it might go to your Knee, and Break your Car and your Heart.